dirtychochski

10:20 pm: This weekend was a fucking fantastic! It started out a little rocky with me working a double on friday, but when 9 pm came around I bolted out of the suburbs and made my way to Humbolt Park area for a Housewarming party with friends. After ascending the the four plus flights of stairs I reached my destination. I walked in on SarahMarie making salsa in a blended. Still alittle confused I walked around to see the new digs and give big hugs. Ben was there. We had planned a dinner date earlier on friday, but due to my weakness and lack of ability to stand up for myself I had to work a double and miss my date. Either way he was there with a big hug and smelled lovely.

After a brief encounter with a "Fluffy" both Ben and I trotted off to the far North side to go to a bar. As always it was a small yuppie headquarters, but after a beer I let my guard down and was my normal friendly self. In other words I faked it and smiled so that I could get threw the night a little quicker. I still question Ben's integrity. I had a long talk with my best friend and she seems to feel that I never truely get to know people, but remain in superficial relationships. All week I have be analyzing my relationships with people, especially Ben. Am I just getting into another short lived relationship so that I can feel better about myself? Does Ben have any idea who I am? or care enough to get to get to know me. I don't know.

I spend so much time trying to be something or somebody else that it has gotten to the point that I don't even know if I am being true to myself.

The rest of the weekend basically consisted on ridiculousness. We had a 3rd D.D.(A).R. Party. This was unexpected and fantastic. I painted a wall on Le Beach House which turned out beautifully. Dike March and Pride was Lovely. This weekend is Misha's Birthday and I need to think of something fantastic to make her. Any suggestions?

10:40 pm: I'm pretty overwhelmed lately. Work+summer school+ scholarship essays+ a social life= no mucho tiempo.

I'm trying to learn spanish fluently. It's going to be hard considering I don't even speak english fluently. Kendall is in less than 3 months and I have no idea how I am going to be able to afford attending school, and living in the city. It's almost as if working this summer is pointless because all that money will be gone in about a second towards tuition and an apartment. I guess working isn't completely useless. Money is nice. Even though the money that I make this summer is not actually mine, but Kendall or some random landlords.

Speaking of landlords I have not found a place for the fall. Just another thing to worry about NOW. My friends in the city don't seem to think it will be a problem to find a place and I should just wait it out. I, on the other hand want to know at least that there are some possibilities for me. So far I have none and I'm starting to get worried that there will be none in the fall too.

For those who do not know yet, I love cooking. It's been a hobby for me for a long time and in the past few years I made it an obsession. I cook everyday. Sometimes twice or three times.. So i saw that this girl had been posting recipes online that she had tried out. I think I might start to do that. Soo.. here's a cake a made for my dadddy..for the greatest hallmark holiday ever Father's Day:

Amazingly dddeeliiish! Chocolate Cake

(Not vegan.. but can easily be converted)

2 medium zucchini, finely grated(about 2 cups)
2 cups sugar
2 egg whites(or 3 egg subsitutes for you vegans)
1 egg
1 cup milk or soy milk
1 cup instant espresso or coffee(fallow package instructions)
1 tsp. vanilla exstract
3/4 cup cocoa
2 cups flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
3/4 cup applesauce

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly coat the cooking pan with cooking spray or oil, and with a layer of flower to prevent the cake from sticking.

Place zucchini in a towel, preferably not cotton, and ring out excess water. Then leave in a wire mesh strainer over a bowl to drain any remaining excess water.

Combine all dry ingredients, except sugar,in a bowl:cocoa,flour,salt,baking powder, baking soda,and cinnamon.

In a separate bowl combine sugar and room temperature espresso /or coffee. Stir together till the sugar dissolves. Then add zucchini, milk, applesauce,and vanilla exstract. Once all wet ingredients are combined add eggs one at a time, making sure to let everything incorporate before adding the second egg.

Once all wet ingredients are combined slowly add about a third of the dry mixture to the wet mixture. Incorporate all ingredients before adding the next batch of dry ingredients to tbe bowl. Scrape down all sides.

When finished combining all ingredients the consistancey should be slightly thick, but pourable.

Pour cake mixture into a 9 inch cake pan. It either makes 2 small cakes or one larger.

To garnish dust confectioner's sugar or cocoa powder on top.


This along with raspberries and a scoop of vanilla soy ice cream is fucking amazing. Plus it's not loaded with fat, just sugar, so eat UP kids!

Tom Frampton WED!! woo woo.. I'm excited! PLUS .. did you hear there PLUS PRIDE IS SUNDAY!! What a fucking fantastic weekend.

BIG HUGS

02:47 am: it's almost my birthday
My heart hurts, Broken glass

Home is fare away tonight,

and this alcohol is making this concious state easier to deal with.

My mind is clowded, searching

for a place that only my parents could have drempt of.

Lyeing awake at night, I see my hallowed body floating

threw life.

02:34 pm: you fools of leisure
mindless sod
simply throwing your cares upon
the shoulders of a God
that was dreamed up
so very long ago
by men just like you
who sought answers
and found nothing
and made their own knowledge

we all must believe in something

and what is the easiest way to control a mass of people

what else but fear and religion, of course

so you smile big and follow
your God, your mental clash
and turn to church for wisdom
as they turn to you for cash
and never question this
as anything but truth
and sit there smiling wide
like fools sitting at a kissing booth

I stole this from my friend John...but my feelings fall parallel to this poem so I posted it.

07:02 pm: I ordered this damn Ipod and it's not here.. errr.. i even asked for quick shipping..I love ebay.. but come on it's been a week and i need someway to ignor my roommate.



i miss my friends at home.. I love you peoples.

10:03 am: college statement
"I'm as thin as the wind in November"
Defiance Ohio


I'm leaveing pretty soon. Headin off to the big Western U . I'm not scared, just sad. I always wanted to move out, but not to Macomb, not away from everybody I like and enjoy talking to. Don't get me wrong I'm trying to be as optimistic about Western students as I can. I'm sure there's all sorts of kids there and I'm sure there's kids who feel exactly as I do. I also don't think this move is going to be for 4 years. I really want to go to UIC or Columbia to study art. I guess we'll see.

I leave in about 13 days, I have EVERYTHING, but what i really need which is a computer and an MP3.. so I'm off on that mission right now.

01:03 am: twiddly dumb
so this is the deal.. you wanna like me. Go for it. You want to be my friend. Whatever.. it's chill(as the fuckin california kids say). I'm done with games, I always lost them anyway and I'm done with trying. My hearts not into it anymore. Yah i'll still turn my head, and get the butterflys in my stomach, but that's it. Maybe it is impossible to be friends with girls(JT), but if that way true. Then why would they call it girlfriends and boyfriends.

i get more excited riding my bike, then i do when somebody says they like me. I mean , i like why guys say hey like it, but it seems as though as soon as they actually confess they like me, i pull away. I'm not good at getting close. I'm afraid of commitment. Even now, I don't want to meet anyone out here and end up likeing him, becuase i'm going home in june. I've been trying to be happy. Honestly, but as I said earlier i get more joy out of my bike. I know someday I'll fall in love, and i hope i wont be so bitter and cold that i wont see it... or don't want it. You know .. i probably wouldn't be feeling this way if i lived with someone other than jules. Someone who is freindly and fun and crazy . I miss you .. you fuckin chicago friends.. god damn .. i'm gettin down over here.. and not in a good way. I'll be home in June. I'm going to refere with my dad, and make some cash.

10:50 am: grad party
For the rest of my life if i did not spend one more night in Chicago except of last Saturday i'd be the satisfied with this town and everybody in this chapter of my life. For the past four years i have moved three times, and every time i moved i seemed as though i lost a little part of me, but really i gained so so much. I am talking about friends. My friends. Words are underrated for how much i appreciate you all. Friday night before the party on sat i was actually worried that absolutely no one would show up, and you guys did and thanks you. When i think about leaving illinois my biggest fear is losing you all. that if i came home here i wouldn't be able to get a hold of you and to me that is scary. I know all of you want the best for me and want me to be happy, so i decided upon leaving, but it was a hard hard decision. I know this is sappy babble to some of you, but for real. i'll miss you all. thanks again for putting up with my over the last four years and making that time so great and fuckin interesting.

05:18 pm: flatline
I am upset
ugly, whirling, screaming in my head
don't pretend that I am dead
stop the worries, calm my nerves
I am dieing
last look at a clock
my heart must not stop
crawl into my ball and roll
this life of mine has turned into a puzzle
to big for me to fit together
i cram the shapes i want to fit
but my life is not so perfect
lump,bump,scrap,scratch
I no longer feel
outside world around me
brush against my arm of steel
heat racing faster
why can't I just move forward
it seems as though i am stuck in the horror
glass broken all around me
shattered dream, lost in the stupid country
America, a pot of lost hopes
America, run by popes, and drug dealers
that steal money from our economy
America, I will never fall at Bush's feet
the threat is so dangerous, He takes it up the anus
America, You're broke, weak

01:27 pm: robot invasion
Yesterday, the day after Thanksgiving, also known as black tuesday, the biggest shopping day of the year. My friends and I decided to protest. Our "theme". ROBOT INVASION!! We found boxes covered them with aluminum foil and wrote catching sayings like "WE must buy everything and BUY!BUY! BUY!" on them. The cause behind this madness. A boy by then name of Eric, he wanted to stop consumers from buying, even if it was only for one day. Along with dressing up like robots we also pledged to NOT buy anything. At first this was no problem, but when seven o'clock came and one guy ran out of cigarettes all hell broke loose. Once we handed out all of our fliers, did a few laps around Water Tower Place, and danced "ROBOT STYLE" in front of Marshall Fields we headed back to the apartment feeling that even if we only reached a few they will now take in consideration of their spendings. One of the greatest things I noticed during our little robot congregation we the amount of kids not only wanting the fliers, but interested in the idea. It gives me a great deal of hope for our country. I'd also like to add that this day was great and would dress up like a robot anytime, for a good cause that is.

ask me about it if you want to hear more.

03:48 pm: my little egg

12:26 pm: my confession
i never thought i'd be in this situation but i think two boys like me at the same time. i know.. me. it's not as though they know about eachother.. and if they did i don't think they'd care. actually one of them might. i'm so pathetic. then again maybe neither of them really like me, maybe i'm just entertainment dureing the weekends. i think i have to look at it in their perspective. Both guys being about 20 years old not in school, with shit jobs. they both drink,smoke, and do drugs. wow.. i really know how to pick um. i'm attracted to boys guys,but matt... he's different. i mean i've known danyal for about a year now and matt about 2 months, but i can already tell that matt's sincere. sometimes when i hang out with danyal im not quite sure what to say or act like, i don't know if he's just attracted to me or really likes me. honestly i don't care much of the time, he is a lot of the time just ENTERTAINMENT for weekends. last night i was talking to this nice girl romina, i've meet her a few times b4, but she's just one of those girls who u meet a few times just never exspect to be friends with, not because of looks or anything, just because the cercumstance at which u meet them, in this case with romina i met her at a house party, but we got along, she's a cool chick. so back to the initial discussion, she told me danyal really DOES like me. when people tell me other people like me my first reaction is why, then i asked myself why he never talks to me any other time but during the weekend. romina said that he was an asshole because it was probably a friend thing, either way that's bullshit, i don't mind being treated as an equal, but don't exspect me to ever call u or put effert into a relationship if you treat me to my face like it doesn't matter if i'm with you or not. so .. that's danyal in a nut shell, well unless u want a discription.. blond, blue eyes, skinny(very skinny, in attracted to skinny boys), lots of tattoos(it's not as if i look for boys with tattoos but i don't really care if they have them or not),big sideburns(which he should remove)and a truckers hat... all the time
then there's MATT.. now matt has a strange story behind him, most of the boys i date do. he used to do cocain(which, once again i would never do, i hate watching people do, and think it's discussing that people do it.. danyal does it), now my ex boyfriend jason had a cocain habit, but then he because a reborn christain(i dont' suggest dateing one unless u are one yourself), but jason was a pretty cool guy beside that, so at first when i heard he had that habit i didn't care to much, but i guess that explains his behavior quite a bit,, or maybe it's a weed he smokes, either way, his behaviors are unconsistant. if you have no idea what i mean.. well let me explain. he takes random naps when he is supposd to call me or hang out with me. well that's honestly the only one that bugs me enough to talk about. what really upsets me about both these kids is they're so fucking smart.. i mean street smart and book smart, but they don't give a shit about it.. well matt does.. he wants to be in school so bad, and i want him to be, he's to good for a moving truck job. this kid.. yes he does do drugs and smokes and drinks, but when i talk to him he's so intellectually stimulating, he can name shit off the top of his head like i've never seen, i like him.. more than danyal, more than any of the jasons, but i don't think he wants me.. or he's just takeing his time , which i kinda enjoy. he makes me happy, unless he ditches me for stupid reasons,, which he's done like 3 or 4 times, but it doesn't matter, he's sincere about where he is and what happends, i mean he's not fake. it's hard to find someone who doesn't try to impress other people, and i'm not just talking about guys, but girls do it too. i mean i'm guilty of it sometimes. new people, new situations, it's hard to not try to get along with them , but i think it's a part of life to meet people who you disagree with , and i'm ok with that, actually it makes like fun. debates, fights.. whatever u want to call it... i mean without that spice what is a friendship.. you don't want to be friends with people just like you wht fun is that. oo jules.. i miss you so much.. bestfriends.. i don't know what that is anymore.everytime i go to school i think about how much both of us have been through, i should have moved to california with you long ago.. i'm almost there.. just a year left.sometimes when i close my eyes i can imagin us walking around the old neighorhood.. .. man .. growing up sucks.i don't know.. if you ever see this you probably will hate me.well not hate, but idk.. look down, probably be worried,you care so much about me.. even right now i'm crying.. i just can't imagin what it's like if i didn't have you.you make everything make sense. i don't know how good i have been to you, i've been pretty selfish, even now,, idk,, i see my sister and my mom and there not real to me. they go through the motions , and my sister she's so goal ridden and wants me to be something .. a prodigy .. well not that much , but she wants me to do whatever i want, but then she puts limits on what i want.julia makes me feel like ANYTHING is possible, that this meaningless bullshit.. boys mostly, is nothing, that myself .. me is that most important thing. and i mean i'm with you on that , but you me to well damn it. you know everything .. i mean sure you not hear to go to parties or whatnot with me.. and i mean yah you probably hate me for drinking, but i think you still love me for me.. and i mean maybe i've changed .. everyone does, and for a long time i tried to stay the same for you. don't take this affensively, but for a long time the bolemia was for the sake of sameness.well my dad just called.. and im pretty much done with this ramble.

08:26 pm: my favorite
every week i am given an assignment for painting class at my school. this week was sorta a challenge for me. the topic was favorite place, and not just you favorite amusement park, but more a place where u feel most comfortable, where you felt that when u look back you want to be there all the time. at first i thought about california and julia. that is my second home, but that's not my favorite place. my favorite place was a park in evanston, and the specific moment that i will treasure is with my grandpa. when i look at the pictures i see how happy i was and then i can feel myself smiling. THAT... THAT is the feeling that told me the park in evanston across the street from my grandparents and my mothers church.. named covenant methodist church .. but that moment has now been ruined by new plasic play equiptment.. and that church .. that beautiful church that was secred to me is now closing because it can not get enough people to worship there. our society is crap. when my grandpa died 2 years ago i felt that my life would no longer be the same and i was right.. it isn't .. but as my grandpa would probably say .. change is sometimes a good thing, life has it's ups and its downs but i believe with family you everything will be ok. well that was kinda a shitty interprentation of what my grandpa would say .. but he was such a wise man it's hard to think like him. so my point of this entry.. i don't have one, i guess change is enevitable and right now i'm just trying to cope with my changes.

10:46 pm: phobia
A lot of people are afraid of things. Relationships, becomeing old, what there going to do with the rest of their life, becomeing overweight, not being attractive, not fitting in, and maybe even alittle fear of being alone, well i have it all. Ok, so maybe I do not have a phobia of any of thoes, but still thoes are by far my biggest worries. right now the only thing on my mind is my future and how unhappy I am in the present. I don't know wether I am happy anymore. Sometimes I feel so beautiful and confident, and brave, but that's only for a short time. I'm not sure what makes me happy anymore. I want what i can't get, and i get what i do not want. I feel as though i really dont' have the right to complain to people anymore, and honestly i don't put up with other peoples complants anymore. growing up is so hard and i'm struggling.. i mean .. i'm doing well in school and on the surface everything seems well and good.. but inside i'm so confused and i want to learn so much. i've been trying to read more lately to enhance my knowledge, but i have no motivation anymore. MOtiVATION .. what's THAT.. MOTIVAtion who NEEDS THat.. o green day .. u say it so well. my birthday is this weekend. 17 y/o and still here, hope nothign to bad happends i want it to be memorable, then again , of i get to spend time with friends and have some fun it will be a good day .. well that and not have a tragic accident happen.

12:16 am: how the night went down
new years..what a night.it wasn't exactly good or bad. jason was going to come out to see me, but things happend, and he couldn't. i was pretty upset,but i did was every stupid teenager would do , and that's party to forget about her boyfriend. the only problem with that is that every time i talked to people i talked about how i couldn't be with him. i'm sure the drunkeness helped, but either way i did it. i told him the truth, and i got drummped. i don't know what to do, i don't deserve him, and he could do so much better. why does this always happen to me. i get into these relationships and they fail. i think it's because of my parents and the fact they never had a relationship, but i don't know how to treat guys. i start out in relationships being very open and not clingy, but then i fall for them...well atleased jason,and then i get drummped. Maybe it's not them, but it's me,,actully i know it's me. this is probably the alcohol talking, but i miss jason,he was far to good for me.